How to Take Care of Yourself when you hear Someone Else's Bad News
The morning began with the usual shower, coffee, breakfast, wrangling of children into clothes and out the door for school or daycare. Or maybe a whole 10 long hours alone with the offspring until your partner comes back home. You sit down to scroll the socials for a few minutes before launching into whatever comes next.
Bam.
You are shocked to see that something horrible and sad has happened to someone. Maybe it’s someone you know, maybe it’s a celebrity who you imagine you’d be BFF’s with if she would only just meet you in person.
I felt all the feels this morning when I saw Chrissy Teigen and John Legend’s Instagram post about their devastating pregnancy loss. I shed tears. I imagined what I would write if I were to comment with a seemingly futile attempt at comfort. I thought about my own two precious (big) babes, safe in our little corner of the world.
I thought about the people I love who have known this very loss, those who are currently facing their own devastating news. I had a moment of panic, thinking, “what if something bad happens to my babies on the bus? Or at school? How can I keep them safe? There’s so much I can’t control!”
We can quickly start to wonder how we go on in a world in which babies die. How do I do my boring, normal day, when someone has just experienced my every parent’s nightmare? How do I do my day when my own memories of loss have just been triggered?
No, none of us actually know these celebrities, but we easily and quickly feel the pain of their loss. But sometimes the news does hit close to home. Maybe the bad news is about your friend or family member. What do you do with the strange mix of grief for them and relief for yourself that it’s not happening to you? How do you handle the guilt that your life is okay when someone you love is facing something awful?
PAUSE. BREATHE. NOTICE WHERE YOU ARE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
Hearing someone else’s devastating news is awful. It’s a special mix of sadness and helplessness and anger and guilt and gratitude that can leave us feeling very confused. How is it possible to feel so many different emotions at once? How do I let myself feel happy when someone I care about is so sad?
Friends, there are no easy answers. There is no one right way to do this. Welcome to the messy. Sit down, pour some tea, and let’s do some imperfect muddling through these hard questions.
First. You are allowed to feel what you feel. You have permission to burst into tears because you heard about something sad that happened to a celebrity. That is a perfectly normal human emotion. You are not crazy. You are not doing it wrong. You have a heart, and it is working. Celebrities are actually relatively normal humans, just like you and I.
Second. You are allowed to stop reading about it. You have permission to tune it out. That does not make you hard or insensitive or ungrateful or mean. You are human and you have limits. I have limits. Our emotions CANNOT tolerate being exposed to sadness and pain and trauma and fear all the time. There is only so much our brains can handle of seeing a mother holding her head in the fresh pain of loss, of parents cradling the baby that they won’t bring home from the hospital. It is okay, often necessary, to protect our own energy and wellbeing. That does not make you weak or insensitive, it makes you human.
Third. You are allowed to smile, laugh, sing, be grateful, cuddle, kiss, relax, even forget for a moment. People who are going through hard things generally don’t expect others around them to suffer on their behalf. We humans are complex creatures that can feel devastated one moment, and gleeful the next. And back again. You are allowed to enjoy and savour the things you find enjoyable, even when someone else is in pain. So give yourself permission to do that.
Fourth. You do not have to live in fear. Yes, we live in a world in which babies die. It’s awful. And if we spend all our time worrying about “what if my baby dies?”, we lose out on the opportunity to be where we are. Sometimes we enjoy where we are. Sometimes not. But here you are. Remind yourself that you are safe. The people you love are safe. You are allowed to do this, even though something bad is happening to someone out there, or someone you love.
Fifth. Take care of your own heart. Yes, you feel broken for the pain of others. Again, this is what we’re supposed to do as humans. AND. Remember that it’s not happening to you. I know this sounds weird, but hear me out. If we completely fall apart every time we hear about someone else’s pain, we are unable to do the things we want and need to do in our lives. This is NOT a “suck it up, Buttercup” pep talk. This is about protecting your energy so that you can show up in your life. When we allow ourselves to feel the hard feels, and then contain them appropriately, we can be a light in our corner of the world. If my heart was raw and bleeding all the time from all the pain in the world, I literally could not do my job. Or parent. Or be a spouse. Or do any of the other important roles in my life. Or even just be okay with myself. Yes, I come undone a little from time to time, because, human. But we can also put ourselves back together and keep going onwards in our lives.
Some final thoughts.
If the bad/sad/scary thing is happening to someone you know in real life, here are some quick tips:
Comfort in, dump out. Provide comfort to those who are closest to the sad thing. Do your emotional dumping to those who are further away from it than you are. It’s not the job of the person experiencing the pain to comfort those who can’t handle it.
Offer kindness and support. Not “let me know if you need anything?”, but rather, “which night can I drop off dinner?” Drop the dinner, then leave. Or sit and let them cry, and then leave. Don’t expect gratitude or even a response. But show up anyway. And give space. It’s a delicate that you will do imperfectly.
See “Fifth” above.
Lastly, be kind to yourself. Know your limits. Know when someone else’s bad news is affecting you more than what is healthy for you. Seek help when you need it. Sometimes hearing about someone else’s bad thing rips the scab off an old wound and it feels really hard to pull yourself back together.
Don’t judge yourself; rather, use this reaction as helpful information. You’re having this reaction for a reason, ask yourself, “What do I need right now? How can I take care of myself in this moment?” Limit your exposure to the bad news if you need to. Call a therapist. Go for a walk. Cuddle your pet/spouse/kiddos/favourite pillow.
If you’re finding it hard to turn off the scary thoughts in your own mind, please reach out. Scary thoughts can be terrifying, and they happen to most of us from time to time, especially when we’re in the early parenting years. You don’t have to be alone with those; we can help.
Take good care of yourselves, my friends.
Jessica