How to Handle Disappointment
I love birthdays. I LOVE it when it’s my birthday. Today is my birthday, and it has been disappointing.
Nothing awful happened, and it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just how life happens sometimes. Grouchy kids who haven’t had to do school in June for 3 years (or ever, as is the case for my youngest), I have a cold, it’s a rainy day, it’s Monday, so my favourite nail place is closed (usually I treat myself to a manicure for my birthday)... Also since it’s Monday, half the restaurants in my small town are closed today. I couldn’t find something I wanted to eat at places that were open, so I found some chicken noodle soup in the freezer, warmed it up and added a grilled cheese sandwich. Actually perfect when one has a cold in June.
The point is not to garner sympathy from you, the reader, for a lack-lustre birthday. The point is helping you know what to do when you feel disappointed that things didn’t go the way you’d hoped.
What Not to Do When You Feel Disappointed
Let’s not wallow in self-pity. At least not for long. It’s okay to give yourself a few minutes to wallow. But it doesn’t have to consume your day.
Let’s not blame others. I could have easily told myself that it’s the fault of my kids for giving me their cold, or that someone else in my life should have planned something spectacular for me. The reality is, whatever was planned had to be cancelled because now we tend to do the proper thing by not visiting others when we have even a mild illness. Despite knowing this, it would still be super easy to find a way to blame someone we love for things completely beyond anyone’s control. No one has control over the weather, after all.
Let’s not believe that we deserve bad things. We don’t have to go down the road of “Of course I was sick on my birthday; nothing ever goes my way. Birthdays are the worst”, or “I should have seen this coming - the universe is out to get me”.
Let’s not try to make a silver lining. If you know me, you know I don’t paint rainbows on piles of poop and pretend it smells like cupcakes rather than the actual poop that it is. We also don’t do toxic positivity. We don’t always have to look on the bright side, or find the lesson, or think “at least….”.
Healthy Ways to Handle Disappointment
We acknowledge the feeling. I feel disappointed. Disappointment sucks. I can handle disappointment. I can handle sucky feelings, even if I don’t want to. Experiencing sucky feelings does NOT mean that I suck, or that people who love me suck.
As Dan Siegel says, “name it to tame it”. Name the emotion. When we give the feeling a label, it loosens its grip on us. We shift from our reactive feeling brain into our reasonable thinking brain.
So my day wasn’t as glorious as I always want my birthday to be. It also wasn’t entirely bad. I managed to be outside for a bit when it wasn’t ready. I got to read Facebook messages and texts from people who cared enough to take the time to send me good wishes. I ate as much of my giant pizza cookie as I wanted (it is delicious!). My kids made me breakfast and gave me loads of loving squeezes. My husband gave me a thoughtful gift. My parents brought over cupcakes and sang at my door.
I did get this amazing birthday cookie from Joanie’s Pastries.
When we name the disappointment, and then offer ourselves some perspective, we get to embrace both the unpleasant AND the pleasant. I didn’t love listening to my kids fight over who was sitting where on the couch and who was breathing on who. I did love feeding them early then sending them outside so I could enjoy my soup and grilled cheese in quiet with my husband. Both exist and both are worth acknowledging.
Then we pick ourselves up and move forward with our day. We integrate the experience and it becomes part of the story. I’m doing that by writing about it. You can do the same, or you can talk with a friend, watch a fun show, read, turn on some music and dance it out, get some fresh air….
Wallow in self-pity (for long)
Blame others
Believe you deserve bad things
Paint a rainbow on a pile of poop
Acknowledge and name the emotion
Let yourself feel it (ugh)
Acknowledge what else is true outside of this disappointment
Get on with your day
I know this can be easier said than done. The ability to do this depends on your particular disappointment ex. losing your job is not the same as a less than stellar birthday). It also depends on your emotional agility at that given time, and how much practice you have at embracing your emotions and processing them with yourself. Sometimes we need some extra help learning how to do this, and that’s okay. This is a skill to learn, and it takes practice.
I’ve put together a list of book recommendations that have helped me tremendously over the years. I’d encourage you to check them out: