Feel the guilt, then do it away

Mom Guilt getting you down? Me too. We can all get a bad case of The Shoulds every now and then. Or perhaps every day. 

Mom Guilt can show up in a number of ways. Sometimes it’s when we feel like we’re doing it all wrong… you yelled at your toddler this morning after she threw food on the floor for the 463rd time… you didn’t know that having a baby could be this hard (and sometimes downright awful) even after spending months and years and perhaps many, many dollars and much heartache just to get this kid here… you haven’t had sex in weeks/months/years and you kinda want to but also not because dishes/laundry/tired/the baby weight is still there 4 years later/someone’s crying/a tiny human is currently in your bed but you feel like you should because men need that, don’t they? …now that you’re back at work and shuttling multiple kids to daycare/school/sports/playdates and trying to keep it all together, all you really want to do is run away and sleep for a week and eat a meal in peace and drink the coffee while it’s hot and not have to pick up after anyone else and not be touched.

MOM GUILT SUCKS

Mom Guilt often gets in the way of our ability to take good care of ourselves. When Mom Guilt runs the show, it can lead to Mom Burnout. You’re trying to do your best at work (which might actually feel like a mini-vacation), feed the tiny, ravenous humans sorta healthy food, manage all the things at home, maybe talk to your spouse, keep in touch with friends… But what about you? Where do you show up on the list?

Before you think this is just another blog post about self-care in the form of getting a massage or manicure, it’s not. This is about tending to our most basic needs.

Take a quick pause and ask yourself what you need right now. Just a quick check-in with yourself. Are your very basic needs met? Did you eat/drink water/go pee recently? Notice your breath and whether it’s shallow in your upper chest. Or is it reaching down into your belly? How do your jaws and shoulders feel?

Now ask yourself again: what do I need right now? 

When I ask moms this question, the most common answer I hear is, “I just need a break. Some time alone. I need quiet.” Your answer might be different, but let’s see this example through.

How do you go about that whole getting a break thing? Think about what might actually work for your life - I know not all of these suggestions are realistic for everyone; it’s intended to get you thinking a little.

Call in sick to work or take a vacation day and still send the kids to daycare
Ask a relative or friend to look after your little one for even just an hour
If you’re a SAHM, schedule something Every Week that takes you out of the house ALONE or takes all the kids out of the house so you can be ALONE
Take yourself out for a walk once the kids are in bed (and leave your phone at home)
Off load some of your mental labour to your partner - they also know how to cook, make medical appointments, bathe the kids and tuck them into bed, drive to the birthday party…
Say no to that extra commitment
Check yourself into a hotel for a night or two

Are some ideas starting to spark? Is your brain now saying, “Yes, but…”? There are so many reasons not too. Mom Guilt is going to come up with all the reasons why you can’t do this. Or shouldn’t do this.

WHAT IS THAT VOICE OF GUILT TELLING YOU?

I should be getting more done around the house
I can’t take time away from my family because nothing will get done My partner/mom/friend/sister/neighbour is judging me I’m supposed to be enjoying every moment of this The baby will just cry the whole time if I leave him. These things might all be true. Or they might not. Either way, that voice of guilt is loud!

Now think about how you might feel if you actually did the thing and took just a little bit of time for quiet and solitude. An unstructured bit of time in which you could do whatever you want.

Many people will tell you that you shouldn’t feel guilty about doing something good for yourself. That’s great if you’re at that place in your life. Most of us aren’t. What I want you to know is that you don’t have to let Mom Guilt dictate your life.

The feeling of guilt is just an emotion, like all the other emotions. It’s uncomfortable, but it won’t actually hurt you. It serves a purpose, but it’s not allowed to run the show. Notice it’s there, and then remember that it’s not in charge of you. YOU get to decide what you need and how you’re going to make that happen, despite the stories that Mom Guilt is telling you. 

FEEL THE GUILT, THEN DO IT ANYWAY.
YOUR FUTURE SELF WILL THANK YOU.

Having trouble talking back to the Mom Guilt? Let’s talk!