Establishing Boundaries: A Guide to Protecting Your Well-Being
Does someone in your life offer unsolicited advice or critique decisions you’ve made? Do you have a friend or colleague who is always asking for help, without considering your availability? Does someone in your life dismiss your needs or feelings? Do you have a friend who guilts you into doing something you would otherwise not do? Do you struggle to say no or feel guilty for prioritizing your own needs? Have you left an interaction with someone feeling uncomfortable, overwhelmed, frustrated or resentful? If any of this sounds familiar then it may be time to reflect on your relationships (personal and professional) and consider setting boundaries to foster healthy relationships and protect your well-being.
Even when you recognize the need to set boundaries with those around you, it can be challenging to do so. You may be worried that by communicating boundaries, it will result in a disagreement, which can be uncomfortable. You may worry about hurting someone’s feelings or feel selfish, leading to guilt about prioritising your own needs. You may be worried that by setting a boundary, the other person withdraws from the relationship. You may not be clear about what it is you need and what boundaries to set.
Let’s dive into what boundaries are, why they matter, and how you can take steps to set your own.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are not about trying to change someone else’s behaviour. After all, we have no control over what someone else chooses to do.
Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself about what you're willing to accept in a relationship. They outline what you are and are not okay with. In addition, they outline what you will do in response to those things that you are not okay with.
Let’s take a moment to consider a few types of boundaries.
Physical boundaries: These relate to your need for personal space, comfort with physical touch, need for privacy and physical need to eat, drink and rest. Boundaries in this area outline to others how close they can get to you, what if any physical touch is okay, and how much privacy you need.
“My room is my personal space, please knock before entering.”
“I’m not comfortable hugging someone I’ve just met. I would prefer a handshake.”
2. Emotional boundaries: These relate to your feelings and the way you communicate them. They also help you avoid becoming overly involved in the emotions of others.
“When you said that, I felt hurt. I don’t think you meant to hurt my feelings but I just wanted to let you know how it made me feel.”
“I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and need some time to process this. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”
3. Material boundaries: These relate to what you are willing to share or lend in terms of material items or financial resources.
“We cannot give any money, but are willing to help in another way.”
“If you borrow something of mine, I expect that it’s returned in the same condition.”
4. Time boundaries: These relate to how you choose to spend your time. It ensures you prioritize your needs without over committing.
“I do not respond to work emails or calls outside of work time, so that I can spend quality time with my family.”
“I am unable to attend the event because I have another obligation.”
Impact of setting boundaries.
They encourage open dialogue about needs and expectations, reducing misunderstandings and confusion about what is acceptable.
Boundaries encourage mutual respect and understanding, leading to more balanced and fulfilling connections with others.
They empower you to make choices that align with your values and priorities, enhancing your independence.
They allow you to focus on your own goals and interests without feeling obligated to meet others’ needs.
Boundaries reduce stress and anxiety, by creating a sense of control and safety in your interactions.
It shields you from emotional drain, stress and potential burnout, by setting limits on what you will tolerate.
Reinforces your sense of self worth, reminding you that your needs and feelings are valid.
Tips on how to identify, set and uphold your boundaries.
No one can tell you what your boundaries should be. They vary from person to person based on values, beliefs, needs, cultural customs, family traditions and so on. You can begin to identify your boundaries by reflecting on your values and beliefs and by paying close attention to how you feel in your interactions with others.
Identify your values and beliefs
Reflecting on your core values and your beliefs helps you to determine what specific boundaries you need. For example, if you value honesty then you may set boundaries around transparency.
2. Identifying where you need boundaries.
Begin by checking in with your feelings surrounding your interactions with others. If an interaction has left you feeling uncomfortable, overwhelmed, resentful or burnt out, it may be an indication that you're lacking boundaries. Determining why an interaction feels negative is a step in identifying boundaries.
3. Establish boundaries that are clear and enforceable
Be clear about what your boundaries are as well as what your response will be to someone who crosses a boundary.
4. Communicate your boundaries
Find a quiet place that offers privacy where you can discuss your boundaries with another. Focus on sharing how you’re feeling using “I” statements and be specific about what it is that you need in a calm and respectful manner. For example, "I feel uncomfortable when plans change at the last minute. I need us to confirm our plans a day in advance so I can manage my time accordingly."
5. Prepare for reactions
If someone reacts to you setting a boundary, acknowledge the other person’s feelings. Respect and accept that these are their feelings. Be clear that you are responding differently and that you thank them for their support and understanding.
6. Enforcing your boundaries
If a boundary has been crossed take a minute to pause and reflect. Consider what boundary has been crossed and how it made you feel. Plan how you want to express your feelings using “I” statements. Then find a suitable time and place to talk to the other person. Address the issue by being clear about what happened and why it was problematic for you. Clearly reiterate your boundaries. Clarify what the consequences will be should it continue and be prepared to follow through.
Ultimately, establishing boundaries empowers you to cultivate stronger, more fulfilling relationships while ensuring your own mental health and happiness.
